Unraveled
by Raquelita
Summary: Ever since her parents died, Lily’s whole world seemed to be unraveling. She was doing things she never thought she’d do, she’d become someone she never thought she would be, and the lines between what she wants and what she needs are starting to blur. JL


**A/N: time to release the angst through fanfiction … **

**Disclaimer: sigh, not mine.**

Ever since her parents died, Lily's whole world seemed to be unraveling. She was doing things she never thought she'd do, she'd become someone she never thought she would be. And the strange thing is that her friends didn't even seem to care. Well no, it wasn't that they didn't care. It was that they were helping her on her path to self-destruction – helping her without even realizing it.

Lily sighed and took a sip from the small bottle of Firewhiskey she kept hidden in one of her trunks.

"Pathetic really," she muttered to herself, staring at the bottle, "Drinking alone to escape your issues. How entirely cliché," she laughed lightly, "Don't forget talking to yourself – that's always a good sign of pending insanity."

The black sky was held up with pinpoint stars, and Lily stared up at them longingly. So far away, so untouchable. She wished she could be untouchable. The death of her parents had torn her apart. Bit by bit, ripping at every inch of her. Lily had never felt as raw as she did in those first weeks after the funeral. Petunia hadn't helped, and (Lily was quickly coming to realize) wouldn't be helping at all. Ever. It wasn't that Lily needed money, her parents had seen to it that she would be all right. It was the truly important things – emotion, connection, support – that Petunia had denied her sister.

"Evans? Is that you?"

The voice startled her, and immediately she knew who it belonged to. Potter. Of course he would be the one to find her up here. Their tentative friendship since being named Head boy and girl had put them on good terms, but Lily still kept him at arm's length. Surnames were always used. Especially after everything that had happened.

"Yeah," she replied wearily, taking another drink, "It's me. What do you want Potter?"

"We were supposed to meet up and go over notes for Charms. You didn't show, I thought I'd look for you."

Lily groaned, "I totally forgot. I'm sorry. There were just … other things on my mind. I can come down now though."

As she said the words, she stood up and took a step toward James. Suddenly dizzy, she leaned against the cool stone wall for support.

"Hey," James said, coming closer, "Are you sure you're okay?"

Lily looked up at his eyes. Those honest eyes that seemed to make lying impossible. Those eyes that looked at her in a particular way when he thought she didn't notice – the particular way that said "I love you."

She took a deep breath. _I'm going to regret this_.

"No," she said quietly, "No James, I don't think I am."

They looked at each other in silence for a moment. Lily was the first to break eye contact, turning and sitting down again, gazing out the window.

"I figured you weren't," James said, sitting down next to her, "Maybe you think no one's noticed Lily, but you're a lot different than you were before November. You don't smile as much, you skip class with ridiculous excuses, you use the secret passages to sneak out. And – " he eyed the bottle in her hand, "You've been coming up here at least once a week."

"How would you know that?"

"Squeaky floors," James replied simply. Living in rooms directly across from each other had its advantages.

On a whim, and hoping that Lily wouldn't pull away, James gently turned her face toward his.

"Talk to me Lily," he said simply, "You're hurting yourself."

Lily laughed without feeling, "Funny thing is you're the only person who seems to care."

"What do you mean? You have loads of friends here."

She nodded, "Yeah, I know I do. But they don't care about this. You think you're the only one who's noticed the change in me James, but you're not. They know about me coming up here, they know about me skipping class, they know about me sneaking into the Hog's Head. They just don't care."

"Of course they do – "

"No," Lily raised her voice, standing up again and starting to pace, "No they don't. You don't get it do you? No one is telling me to stop what I'm doing. No one is telling me that this is no good for me, that I'm being self-destructive, that I'm being stupid. Hell, they ask me to bring stuff back for them when I sneak out. They don't CARE." She could feel tears in her eyes now, and as much as Lily hated to cry, she found that she couldn't help it, "This is the part of the story where someone is supposed to save me from myself. But there's no one there and I can't do it on my own."

Lily sighed, feeling tired.

"I'm scared," she finally, "I don't recognize this girl I am now. I don't know her, and I can't find anyone who does. I'm so far away. I feel like I'm slipping off the edge of a cliff and I'm trying to find something to grab onto, but I just keep getting handfuls of air. And they don't see anything wrong with it."

Lily crouched down to the floor, her head in her hands.

"They don't see anything wrong with it," she repeated, more to herself than to him.

James watched her without a word. He could feel his heart breaking. He wanted to go to her friends and scream at them for not taking better care of her, for not watching out for her when she most needed to be watched out for.

Instead he stood up and did the only thing he could to do. Walking over to Lily, he took her by the hands and pulled her up, interlacing his fingers with hers.

"Lily," he said evenly, "look me in the eye."

She did as he asked, and James hoped that his eyes could say everything he was at a loss for. So many words were fighting their way through his mind, so many things he wanted to tell her.

"Stop this," he said finally, quietly, "I'm right here, I care, and I'm asking you to stop."

"Most days I don't want to," Lily said.

"Those are the days I won' leave you alone."

"You know those are the days I'm going to resent you the most."

James smiled a little bit, "Yeah well, I think you'll get over it."

Lily nodded and allowed James to wrap his arms around her, holding her close.

"Those are also the days I'm going to feel luckiest to have you," she said quietly

James said nothing, kissing the top of her head and wishing he could hold on forever.

"I'll feel lucky every day," he whispered, "I love you."

Whether she had heard him or not, James could swear he felt Lily move closer to him at those words.

**A/N: Reviews are like spots of sunshine on a rainy day. **

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